My EYES!

OK...I have resisted relating this story, as it was just too horrific to retell...let alone recall...but I've been having nightmares and I suspect my therapist (if I had one) would say that getting it out of my head will help set me free....I'm not usually one to tell this kind of story. I like all kinds of people, and really applaud those that go out in public in some strange forms of dress. Especially when it's entertaining...but I just have to get this out of my mind, so here goes...

We were at Ulua Beach on Maui. It's a great little beach...nice facilities nearby, and lovely sand...and the reef is shallow enough that even snorkelers can see a lot of cool stuff - even turtles most of the time are visible sitting on the sand or the reef. It's only about 30 feet deep there, and with the visibility...well...it's great.

I'm digressing (or is it stalling?) from my original point :)

So...here we are, our last full day on Maui, out to enjoy the beach and the surf and the sights. It was great. 85 degrees, a bit breezy, but nice...and we managed to "obtain" some lovely beach chairs from the resort down the beach (they shouldn't leave them on their own).

Minding our own business...swimming, snorkeling, chillin'...when all of the sudden...

MY EYES!

There is this woman, of about sixty eight, I'd say (I'm trying to be nice here)...and she's standing on the edge of the sea. In her two piece suit, with leopard print. This isn't bad (in and of itself), it's the WAY she was wearing it (and wore it later on - that's the real bleeding/put out my eyes part, but more on that later).

The lovely top of this ensemble was more or less a t-back style. But she wasn't wearing it that way. Nope, not at all. She had actually pulled the straps down along her middle, kind of in a bandeau style - except it was like, two stripes. Not a good look, nope...not good at all.

This is especially true when you take into consideration that she was tanned - like really, really tanned - you know, like the way they tan leather? Like that. And very wrinkly. Very.

very

Oh, and bleached blond...

And...standing with one hand on her hip and one hand to her brow, looking out to sea...I just hoped the top stayed up, and turned and headed back out to sea myself.

I'd been able to forget this first encounter by the time I returned to shore. I'd been distracted quite nicely by the shiny fish on the reef..and watching Sandy try to free dive to get better pics of same (it's hard to laugh under water without sucking in salt water).

Back to shore we went, laughing and talking about the fish, and how Sandy really wanted to free dive for pictures, and how funny it was (and harder than she thought it would be). She actually did get a few really good pics, even with the trouble breathing and staying under long enough to get a shot. Got as far as my lounge chair, when...

MY EYES!

Same woman - except, and you really have to picture this...I'm trying not to, but it's burned into my retinas I think - she's lying face down on a towel in the sand. Sounds innocent enough, doesn't it? But, wait! It gets better...

She's now got on no top at all...this isn't the scary part...wait for it....wait for it...wait....

(Did I mention the leopard print bikini bottoms? It's important to remember this part...so...)

Not only is she topless (face down, thankfully), but she's decided she wants a nearly "all over" tan, so shes...here it comes are you ready?...she's...made a thong out of her bikini bottoms. Pulled those puppies right on up as far as she could. I know it had to hurt, or maybe, the leather like skin didn't have any nerve endings left...hmmmm...

It was hideous...kinda like a wreck on the side of the freeway...I couldn't believe that an ass could be that wrinkled AND, I couldn't look away. It was, it was...horrible.

"MY EYES!" I literally shouted before I knew what I was doing (although her hearing aid musta been turned off, 'cause she didn't so much as flinch). Goofy and sis nearly both fell off their chairs, and I think they peed their pants too...they looked and then they both closed their eyes...

We all had to look away...it was really that traumatic. We had to leave the beach...really...leave.

I should have taken a picture, dammit!